Where's My Cape?

Version 18.0 XY

We're pleased to announce the release of Version 18.0 XY which addresses some of the known operating failures of Version 17.0 XY. The new and improved version features the following upgrades:

Look! Ladies' Man!

 

This version comes with smoother moves to woo those ladies. Often led by a gaggle of older ladies at the playground who all want to hold his hand and take him special places. Like the slide. Or the see-saw.

(*egg rolls and dirty shorts sold separately)

More snuggable! Advanced Mama's Boy programming!

 

Snuggles next to household beast (when not terrorizing it or testing integrity of tail apparatus).  If female programmer lying on floor, will go lie down next to her and rest his head next to hers.

Major breakthrough! Can signal 'Yes!'

This version is able to nod head Yes when asked a question. You've got to see it to believe it, folks! Yes!!!! Affirmative! Right on! Abso-freakin-lutely!

Pseudo-counts!

When counting with him, he will say words along with you that sound like he could be counting. In another language. Like Ewok.

Guest-star of Babewatch.

 

"Hasselhoff has nuttin' on me"

Yoga Poser: Downward Dog

 

Doubles as...a paperweight!

 

Large mass can effectively meet all of your paper and human-securing needs.

Praises the Lord!

Will clasp both hands together and say (with feeling) MEY-MEN! All day long. Followed by clapping.

This version does not address the following operating failures.

Continues to throw food off highchair tray to signal meal conclusion.

Outdoor Nazi. Will force adults 3 x height into putting on his shoes and going on a walk with him by using combat cries and full-body weight leaning.

Grit Goatee

Participation in live sand burials.
 

Steals canes from the elderly.

 

We'll be working on these for the next version...

That's me in the Hyundai Accent

There should be a rule that if someone hits your car AND it is entirely their fault AND they are paying for your repairs AND covering your rental car, that insurance company needs to spring for a rental car that is AT LEAST in the same "class" as your original car. Don't put someone who drives a freaking minivan into a Hyundai Accent. Minivan::Hyundai Accent is as Titanic::dinghy canoe with one oar.  It's bad enough that that someone was hit and has to go through the inconvience of getting the car repaired.

For two days, I was driving a red Hyundai Accent that had manual everything-besides-transmission. We're talking windows that roll down. Call me a prima donna but I haven't rolled down car windows in a decade. I also have not had the pleasure of manual door locks in...I don't even know when. Of course, they give you the car with all four doors unlocked. You should have seen me trying to figure out how to lock all the doors that first time. Wait. OMGWTF.

Putting Girl in the backseat meant unlocking the passenger seat. Then reaching INSIDE to unlock the door. That's way too many steps. And the side mirrors. Don't even get me started about adjusting the side mirror with a manual joystick. It had one cup holder that was less cup holder than small divot.

Way to spring for a car, Negligent Driver's Insurance Company. 

Anyway, no offense to anyone who has one of these. I was just bitter for having to go to so much hassle - dropping car off at shop, going to rental car company...(having a MAJOR MORTIFICATION EVENT at said rental car company, not now)....during times I'm supposed to, you know, work...and getting this car.

Of course, Girl LOVED the car. When I picked her up from school, she exclaimed, "IT'S FABULOUS! I LOVE THIS CAR!"

Maybe because it was small? And red? Or clean?

(Also, maybe I use the word 'fabulous' more than I realize.)

The Enterprise (we'll give you a ride) guy who drove me back to the shop asked me how I liked the car.

"What? This car???"

It seemed like an odd question.

Does it look like I like this car?

Then he told me something that I wish I had known before this whole fiasco. If I had complained to the insurance company about the size of the car--like hey, I've got 3 car seats to fit in there--they would have probably sprung for something larger than a go-kart.  Word to your mutha.

I do tend to use the word "butt" a lot....

Taking a break from work insanity to share my Momicillin column today which is my FAVORITE EVER. Why? Because my sense of humor stopped evolving when I reached age 12. What of it?

It's all fun and games until someone loses a hard drive

It started out so innocently. A frozen screen. Then, the dreaded blue screen describing things involving dumps and crashes. Then an automatic restart...which failed to start...then a defiant blank screen of inertness.

After holding for eons and then finding out I had to be transferred to ANOTHER department reserved for fools buying my line of craptuter....and then holding more....then talking to "Neil" not of this continent for 2 hours (no joke. Marathon troubleshooting.)...then discovering hard drive busted and  that we were unable to recover my data through these basic methods but FOR SURE the Geek Squad at my local Best Buy could NO PROBLEM said Neil.

I'm under warranty which means they will replace their craptastic hard drive in the comforts of my home in 24-48 hours, but I need to extract the files off my computer on my own since it's not their fault OF COURSE since hard drives need only last the lifespan of a field mouse. (note: my motherboard had to be replaced a few months ago in the comforts of my home super.)

Went to The Squad and talked to An Agent who intimated that I might be "SOL." (Since when is saying 'SOL' acceptable in the client/service agent contract???) Agent was not of legal drinking age. Agent reported that data was unrecoverable unless we took drastic measures and sending out to secret computer Geek Lab where they extract data particle by particle. Charges for such detailed work could be over a thousand G's baby.  Agent said 'Sorry' with as much compassion he could muster, noting his aunt had gone through something similar recently. Agent compared me to his aunt. Agent also said that a customer who just sent his hard drive in for detailed work had a 500 page Word document that he had been working on for 6 years. 6 years of work on one document and no back-ups? Can only imagine this is CRAZY LUNATIC MANIFESTO.

Traveled to another computer outfit across town that I heard was BETTER and CHEAPER than Geek Squad Formation. BETTER and CHEAPER place had a KNOWLEDGE BAR where one could cozy up on a bar stool and wait for COMPUTER EXPERTS to assist. Put name on wait list. Estimated time of wait: One hour, 40 minutes. Browsed MacBooks out of spite. Finally, expert called name and checked out my hard drive. Surprise: Data not recoverable and needs jaws of life and up to $1600 to extract.

Getting. Peeved.

Thought about recent computer activity since last major back-up (scared into back-up submission by threat of computer failure but only needed new motherboard, see above). Stories I had written. A submitted manuscript and all related revisions, related references. And photos. So many photos. Chunks of family history, including recent mega-photo-expenditure at beach with extended family including 97 AND 94 YEAR OLD GREAT GRANDPARENTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Not good.

Back to Geek Squad. Sending in hard drive. An estimate, at least.

Vowing to back-up ONCE A WEEK FOREVER MARK MY WORDS. be ye not so stupid.

Scenes from the beach